my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
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