i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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