dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
