if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize