last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
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Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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