And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Mom said you looked used
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
