just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
