Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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