Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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