My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
