Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
