Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
