She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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