Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
