I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
