I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
