I faked an abortion last night.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sorry my hands just texted you
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
