woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.