Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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