His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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