Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
