I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
