Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
