remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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