how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
