Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
