I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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