My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
