I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
