I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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