When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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