On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
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Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
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just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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