we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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