Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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