Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
