The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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