eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
