How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
