someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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