I'm so fucking centered right now
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
