I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
