I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
