Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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