I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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