If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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