How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
