i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
