cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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