Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
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DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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