I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
