The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
home. puking in laundry basket.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
