You made me cry and you don't even care
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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