I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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