Swine flu. Run for my life!
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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