How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
