2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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