There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
